Finding love again,

I find myself constantly torn between wanting freedom and having a partnership.  There's this part of me that wants the white picket fence with kids, perfect house in the city, and a beautiful husband who will wrap me in his arms every night and pull me in close, while another part of me wants to exist as a nomad and travel the globe with no roots and be able to do as I please.

I have healed mostly from my previous relationship, however, there are flashbacks I have that prevent my heart from being open to love someone and let them inside like that again.  To give yourself entirely to someone is a scary thing.  I have discovered that I am all or northing when it comes to love, it can be half-hearted, if you're going to be with someone you need to give to eachother 100%.  However, this comes with the price of your heart.  It really is true that the heart heals but it never forgets. 

I remember the day I broke up with Chris 2 years ago (I can't believe that it was that long ago now) and the gut-renching ache in the pit of my stomach.   I knew from the moment I said to him "I want to break up" that nothing would ever be the same.  My entire life from that moment would change within a matter of hours and change as we all know is a scary thing.   As difficult of a decision as it was to come to, I knew it had to be done.  Both of us had been at eachothers throats for months and we were not right for eachother at all.  He had unresolved "issues" from his past relationships that was spilling on to ours and I honestly was too young and blind.  Blind in thinking that certain things he did or said we ok, or to just let it fall by the way side or that his drinking problem would be solved by me telling him to just stop.  

Not to say I was perfect in the relationship either, we all have our flaws, I'm super messy and unorganized which drove Chris insane who was the polar opposite.  

to be continued....

Babble...

I hate that people always expect me to be up and happy. Sometimes I don't want to be happy and smile at you.

I find myself envious of those who are blank or don't smile sometimes.   Perhaps I'm my own worst enemy and created this image of myself being constantly up even when I don't feel it sometimes, constantly forcing myself to just grin and bear it, which is necessary for the job I have being in the medical field, but sometimes I think I forget once I am out of work that it's ok not too smile or sensor my thoughts.  I have so many people tell me that I am so calm, centered and have a sympathetic ear for the troubles of others.  What most don't realize is that I wear a mask at my most vulnerable times.  I try to appear totally calm and cool, but underneath this I may be battling a powerful storm of emotions swishing around like the tides of an ocean on the inside of me.  There are very few who truly know me inside and out, yet I like it this way.  I like having my little walls to protect myself and having a mystery to my true self.  At the same I get irritated that people seem to be dazed and confused if I'm snappy or irritated since it's not very often that I actually relinquish these powerful emotions.

I feel so intensely and honestly it's a blessing and a curse all in one.  I wish I could just turn off my feelings and be detatched, aloof and not care so fucking much.  I overthink, overanalyze and overfeel it seems like everything and I wish there was a switch to turn it all off.  Some may argue that I'm actually living and not a drone. 

I just wish that sometimes people would understand that I am not always happy or that everyone had more of an intuition of the fake smiles and see what's beneath.  Although, I may be asking for a lot because I such a strong intuition with people that it's hard for others to match.

I don't want to be happy all the time, it's not real and I want to be ok in knowing that I can be in a cranky mood and not have everyone's jaw drop because they expect me to have a smile on my face.  We all have a right to be cranky at one point or another and I'm sick of people expecting me to be up.

Once upon a time,

Once upon a time I was naive, young and subject to your abuse and slander

Thrown into the lions den uknowingly to be eaten alive 

I am not your fool or here for your amusement in time passing

Sick games that were played, mind clouded by judgement of another

You call me "Fat, stupid, ugly, faggot and a no good nothing who will be nothing" 

You use me and are kind with motives, with the intention of getting something you really want

Leave me alone, this is my life not yours and it's mine to live....so please, go away hater you are not welcome here

Once upon a time I was that innocent one who did not worry about motives, who's heart was open to the world now thanks to you it is bruised

That's ok I am stronger and a little tougher now because of you

Forgiveness is something earned, but never will this be erased from the catacombs of my mind

Emotions and thoughts toyed with

Never again will I be thrown into your cage of games and made a fool just for your amusement

Romance is dead....

Is it possible to run out of sympathy?

Is it possible to run out of sympathy for someone?  I find myself running out of sympathy for people who create their own drama and don't pick themselves up.  There is only so much one can do until you finally find yourself repeating what was said in the beginning.  I don't consider myself necessarily phsycic or to be on a higher pedastal, but I think  I have a strong intuition with situations/ people and MOST (not all) of the time it is 100 percent accurate.  Perhaps it is because I have encountered so many people who have taken advantage of me and the vampires who suck the life out of me.  Now when I say vampires, I don't mean in the literal sense of Twilight and the old folktales of sucking a persons blood, but those who latch onto you and want to share all their problems and EVERYTHING about them the second they meet you.  You end up filling the role of pyschologist to them and it drains you.  Don't get me wrong I am definitely there for you, I care a great deal about people, however, I have learned that there are people who have serious issues and take it to a whole new level.  I am finding the older I get, the more reserved I become to protect my own well being.

I have found that many people attract to me and want to open up.  I must be a comfortable person to be around?  This can be a blessing and a curse.  You can help people who really want to be helped, however, it is draining for the people who are not going to do anything and just stay stuck in their problems forever.  That irritates me.   We all get stuck and things happen, that I understand.  But make an effort, motivate yourself, do it yourself.  Someone else can tell you to do it or how to resolve it, but ultimately everything comes back to YOU.  How are YOU going to change?  What small steps can you take to achieve the long term goals?  or to try and fix the issues you have going on?  Analyze the problem you have going on and what YOU can do to possibly prevent it from happening in the future.   Not to say, that some things are out of control, because shit does happen sometimes whether we see it coming or not.

My wish is for people to take the iniative to take some form of control over their lives...pray, meditate, take a walk, chant, whatever it is that brings your inner peace and to that place of reflection to take a close look at your life and see what is and is not working.  Do that and then put your plan into motion...taking baby steps, because change (whether it be good or bad) can be scary, but it makes us stronger and able to grow.