Wanting to be alone...

I don't know if it's just me but do you ever run into those times when you just want to be alone and not have the noise.  Just silence and no distractions.  I am definitely in one of those quiet phases.  Sometimes being quiet and living in the slience is nice.  I love my friends and the people close in my life, but there has been so much noise recently it just feels right to be alone right now and just refocus my life and focus on ME.  I have started working out again and am doing well in school.  I have listened and dealt with enough problems, I am ready for a solution.  I have realized that this phase I am in is going to be used for healing and closure to some of the events that have scared me.  I feel like this is a good place that I am at.

I am sorry to those who are feeling ignored or neglected, it is nothing personal just something I am going through and have to go through in order to restore balance and clarity to my life.  I think not enough people take the time to step back and let go for a moment.  Just to find a moment to breath and put your life in perspective to everything that is going on.  All too often we got so caught up in the noise we forget to do this, just to step back and breath.

I have taken a step back from my social life because my father is having some health issues.  I am spending more time with him these days, because it is unstable.  After not living with my parents for the past 2 years it made me realize that they are getting older and I really don't know how much longer they will have.  I want to take the opportunity to rebuild a connection and closer relationship with them again.  My parents have always been there and supported me, it is so very important that I take the time to be with them.

What I have Learned...

it is just as hard to let go as it is to be the one let go of.  It has has been over one month since my break up with Chris and I now see even more so as time passes how I made the right choice in leaving him.  As much as it hurts being dumped (from his end) it equally sucks for the dumpee(me). 

So onto the next chapter I go.  I was watching the movie "Never Been Kissed" the other day and one of the trailers before the movie actually started there's this ad for a tv show that was on air back in 1999 can't remember the name of it, but Jennifer Love Hewitt was in it.  Anyway, to get to my point she says "you reach the moment in your life where you realize that one door of your life has completely closed and another opens to the next chapter of your life..." probably not the direct quote, but very similar....That one line made so much sense to me.  It's like the moment where you realize that one decision or choice will affect the rest of your life and what direction you head in. 

Another thing that amazes me is how much of an impact a single person can have on your entire existence, good or bad.   Some people bring out the best, while others bring out the worst.   For me the person I was in a relationship with took complete control over my emotions and thoughts.  Pulling me in every which direction and constantly living in this state of chaos because he was always in chaos.  As people we have the potential to make either a positive or negative impact to others around us, all of us as human beings hold much more power than we often realize.  There is definitely a lot to be said about the energy that we hold about ourselves or an "aura" I guess you could say. 

Life is definitely heading in a happier and calmer direction.  The choices we make impact and shape who we are and where we want to be.  Life is about choices, whether we always make the right ones is another question, but learning is something we always obtain from making choices, both good and bad.  I know for myself I never want to stop learning and growing.  So I have decided that in order to do this I must sorround myself with encouraging, positive and growing people.  I cannot and will not do stuck, I was stuck for so long and cannot do it again.  We can either choose to be stuck or to grow and evolve into the best people possible.

So as I head into this new chapter of my life I am a little nervous and excited at the same time, because with life I have learned anything can and will happen, but that is the beauty of it all.   I have many goals I wish to accomplish over the next year, I want 2010 to be my year and make my dreams come true. 

What it has come down to and starting over

So my boyfriend and I broke up a week ago.  It's odd to say this, but I feel this sense of relief.  I knew in my heart we were not meant to be together, both wanting different things out of life, and in general his approach and attitude towards life was so different than mine.

It was damaging for us to continue to be together.  For both ends we were hurting eachother because we were so incompatible.  The more time goes the more I see how dysfunctional our relationship truly was and how much happier I am just being out of the relationship.

It funny putting the big picture in perspective and seeing how two people can love eachother so much but when you see the grand scheme of things and where both of our future's lie it was not meant to be.  I will always love him, he was my first serious, true love.  The decision I made to leave him will always hurt and be there, it will heal, but always be there.  I just know that there is no future for us because we want different things. 

I once saw the future in your eyes, but it faded and became distorted with reality that we could never be.  There was a time I saw being with you forever, having children, this little fantasy-land set up in my head.  It is still sad  to know that will never happen for you and I, that you will have someone else to share that with and I will find someone new as well,  it hurts but I know deep down it is for the best and we will better people in the end because we are not together.

So at this point I am starting over and getting my life in order.  Something I really want to focus more on is my health and getting back into shape.  In general eat really good food, workout and just live a balanced lifestyle.  Also, save up for a major move.  I am considering moving to New York City or Boston,  I just know that it is going to be big and something that I am going to put a lot of planning and time into.  I am going to hold my cards close to me and tell a limited selection of people, those who are positive and supportive.  I am serious about my goals and I feel as though there are some people in my life, whom even though I love them, wouldn't be as positive about this idea and don't take what I do or say seriously or really understand me.  There are very, very few people who actually GET ME.  Those who do, I would die without you, thank you for being in my life and letting me just be me.

It is a strange crossroads in my life at the moment where anything could happen, so I want to take advantage of this and unlock the door to perhaps a happier chapter of my life.  I am a firm believer in the idea of when one door shuts, another one opens with a new possiblity that could potentially make your life better and bring a sense of peace.  I will admit I am a little scared as well with all of this because it is new and I don't really know what is going to happen next. 

Here is to being on the other side and realizing that I can achieve and turn my dreams into reality one day at time and evolve into the best person possible.

                        POEM:

                                               I close my eyes...

I close my eyes and you still haunt me...

I can still feel your lips touch mine...

I close my eyes at night and can still see you looking into my eyes....

I still remember your touch, your smell....

I close my eyes and I can feel you inside me...

I cry because I know we will never be...

I close my eyes and I know I must let you go...

I will always love, foever you will hold a place deep within the ocean of my heart...

I close my eyes, my thoughts, my dreams are consumed of the first time we made love, the first time we touched, the first time we kissed, the first time I heard your voice...

I will never stop loving you....

I close my eyes and I see you...you will never be erased...

Because of you...

I will never be the same again...

Everything has changed...

the damage is done and cannot be reversed...

Words you said, situations that took place can never be taken back...

We both know what must be done, but we cannot face it...

Why do you hold so much anger?  why so much anger to the world?

This anger is what kills...

We are different you and I.....

I think, you speak with not a care in the world....

Damage is done, bridges burned, nothing can be reversed...the fire is dead.

What is new...

I am drawing a blank on what to write about.  I have this urge to write, but I am not sure what.  I hate this, writers block it is?

It seems as though I write the best things when I am going through some sort of personal hell.  Funny how it works out that way, some of the greatest artists and muscians compose their greatest works from going through a personal turmoil such as divorce, death,  or accidents.  It seems like no one wants to hear about happy, they want to hear about the darkness and depression.  Happy seems to be boring to most these days.  Perhaps, it is because so many of us are not?  We want to be reassured that "I am not alone" on this boat.

Do you reach that point where you're not entirely ecstatic nor are you really unhappy about things, it's just entirely in the middle.  Nothing really excites you or makes you sad.

I feel as though things are at a standstill, nothing is really moving forward or backward. 

I see so many people around me breaking up, moving and doing these different things.  Perhaps, it is a reflection of how I want to move forward and constantly reevaluating the state of my relationship.  Are we really in a safe place?  Is he truly the one who can bring my heart whole?  Are both hurting or benefitting from this relationship?  My relationship with him has been on my mind so much recently.  It could be because a lot of my friends have broken up with their significant others and also the fact that our one year anniversary is coming up next month.  I have given an entire year to this man.  I have worked so hard to make him happy and improve my faults.  I think I have reached the point of coming back to myself.  How am I going to be happy?  Can he make ME happy? Can he go that extra mile that I went for him?  Being an equal playing field is so very important in a relationship.  Both parties taking responsibility.  But when one person starts putting more effort in there than the other that's where I believe the relationship will crumble.

It's funny because I mention the word "safe" when talking about the relationship issues.  My friend Debbie is the one whom has had several relationship issues with her ex similar to mine, poised this question to me "Do you feel safe with him"  I responded, "How do you mean?  Safe as in, will he hit me/abuse me?"  and she said, "No like do you feel you can continue this?  Is there stability?".  I will be honest, I could not give her a response, it took me five minutes to come up with an answer.  Of course this comes after him asking me once again if I am going to leave him just like his past loves did.  When he asks this I've told him how much it hurts me.  I truly don't think he understands the significance of how much it really hurts.  When I truly love someone my heart it is real, it is pure love.  For the person closest to me to even question it, hurts.  I have written countless letters, poems and expressed in many ways the feelings I hold in my heart for him.  I have gone that extra mile and shown him that I am real and will be there.  To get to my point,  it's come to this, we are at almost one year and if he is still asking me these questions and letting his insecurities get in the way of our relationship then have all my efforts and my love been just a waste of time?  Nothing more than dirt?  It's almost as if he wants me to say that I am cheating or that I am going to leave just to prove his point. 

Time will tell if he can let go of these insecurities and let our relationship flourish.  Because if things do not change in that area our relationship will die.  It is sad but true.